May 25, 2010
Being a member of several art communities sure bring all kinds of different comments. When I first started off at DeviantArt I was quite insecure and my photos were not very special. They were mediocre and looked like everyone else’s photos when they first pick up their new camera. I took photos on flowers, animals and self-portraits, nothing special. Back then I drew a lot, everyday if I had the chance. But it felt like I was missing something. So I began experimenting with photographing Harriet, who stands up for me in any weather, and found that something clicked when I could capture an emotion in a photograph. So I tried a lots of self-portraits, mainly to experiment in privacy. I have never liked experimenting in other’s presence, it gets me really nervous.
We had a lots of fun and people started to notice our work even if Harriet was new at modelling and I at photographing. I remember that first image of Harriet which got a 100 favourites in some days, my other works back then had about 10 or less. I was so excited and felt really happy about myself. I bought myself a new camera and began photographing other friends. I can’t say I was special at taking photos back then though, I liked playing around with my ideas, but that was all. Even though, people seemed to like it. When I got myself a tripod I began taking more self-portraits, including all different kinds of props. My favourites have always been my top hat. I used the fields in our neighbourhood quite a lot, didn’t really have any ideas, but somehow created a feeling people liked. Soon I wanted to create photos that reminded of dreams and memories. Started to use long dresses, blood and other sceneries than before. Yes, I’ve always loved creating something from a fairytale, because life sometimes is dark and I wanted to spread some light into the darkness, with my photographies. But at the same time show this darkness that prevails in our world. People had different views of the violence, I loved portraying it. Not because I have ever been a person caught in fights or anything, but to create something that makes people think twice. I felt quite good with my work, even if they weren’t perfect.
Back then I was still caught in my own bubble though. I kept going on the same road, taking photos that were quite safe for myself, but still kept me develop. I began to see things in different ways than I used to. It was not until I began studying far away from everything I have learnt to know that opened my eyes. I wanted to try new things, keep myself experimenting even though I knew I could fail miserably. At first I took a lot of self-portraits (uh), but it felt like I was going backwards again. So I pushed myself and began photographing my classmates in school, still in that safe bubble, but slightly trying to break it.
The beginning of 2010 was a great way to begin a new year. I took a lot of photos which I was very happy with. They were a mix of the old me and the new me. I had learnt a lot from these past months I had been to school and it gave me some boost to try experimenting even more. Getting together with my lovely boyfriend and having him by my side made me also feel good about myself. I lost a little piece of myself on the way, and he helped me getting it back again. Getting me to explore new ways of using lights, setting my own and working with existing lights. I also tried to capture men on film, which I still like very much. It took me away from all this “prettiness” and gave it some edge. With help and encouragement from my boyfriend I finally starts to truly enjoy setting my own lights, though I need a lot more practice.
For some weeks ago, I had no inspiration at all. Nothing. I began retouching older works which I had taken before and after I began my education. I wasn’t yet inspired and had quite a rough first week back home because I was ill and I missed Robert. I wanted to turn things back to normal again, I really needed to take some photos which would get me back on track. I had a shoot with Dino and I explored a new side of photography I started to love. Still they had a piece of my old style in them.
A lot of people has been with me on this road, friends, family and people especially on DeviantArt. Some loved my new style, others hated it. But I have learnt that I don’t photograph to please others, I want to please my own needs. I need to take photos for my own sake.
Sometimes it feels that people don’t realise that I need to try new things also. I don’t like being stuck in the same category where I can’t developin using other techniques or dealing with new situations. I have my old style kept inside my new one. I have not forgotten where I began and how I got to be where I am today.
Nothing stays the same forever, it’s time to accept this.